There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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