Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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