After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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