so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
