last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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