I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
