Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
