I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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