Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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