I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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