those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
