I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
