Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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