this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
People with herpes should wear stickers.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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