Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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