I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
