haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
