he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
