I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
