The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
