forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
