My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
