my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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