i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
