i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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