Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
