I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
