Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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