The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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