got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
