I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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