he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
