it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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