i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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