I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
