One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
