i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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