someone owes me an orgasm
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
