There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
it's like heaven, but drunker
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
