I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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