i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
