I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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