I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
