awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
