I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
