I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
