He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
how drunk are you?
Several
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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