He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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