I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize