I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
