Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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