Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
