he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
