Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
