Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
