ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
