a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
