I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
